Monday, July 19, 2010

Driving Tips

Perhaps you’ve only just recently acquired your license to drive, or perhaps you’re a grizzled veteran of the salty tarmac, but either way, you’re interested in perfecting the art of driving as a bloodsport. Believe it or not, angering your fellow motorists to the point of inspiring physical violence isn’t a game of chance, but rather a highly scientific, learned skill. To truly master the art of pissing people off, you need the benefit of years of practice behind the wheel of an extremely obnoxious car (I recommend either a tuned Honda CRX or any type of chromed pickup with a lifted suspension), true greatness can’t be achieved overnight. Everyone needs to start somewhere though, so to get you started on your path towards perfection, I’ve outlined below a few tips that will help nurture and extract your hidden inner douchebag.
1. Do Not Use Turn Signals
Do not under any circumstances ever use your turn signal, period. Turn signals or traffic indicators of any kind are a sign of weakness, and they give your enemy valuable information regarding your battle position.

2. Do Not Yield To Drivers Preparing To Execute A Turn

If the driver in front of you indicates that he is preparing to execute a turn, do not slow down. Instead, maintain your constant speed (75 mph highway, or 55 mph residential) and seconds before your car makes high-speed impact with his rear bumper, turn your steering wheel to the right or left (depending on which direction the vehicle is turning) by a fraction of an inch, barely avoiding a full-speed collision. Remember: under no circumstances should you ever remove your foot from the accelerator. In most cases, the amount of space you will have between the turning driver and the next physical barrier (be it a parked car or an oncoming lane of traffic) will be very, very limited, and the faster you are traveling the less likely you are to make contact with any stationary objects.
3. Treat Construction Zones As An Obstacle Course
Construction zones and the many hurdles they throw at drivers make them the perfect place to hone your skills as an asshole, especially since there’s usually a local cop posted nearby who can serve as an excellent official score keeper. Remember: +1 point for every traffic cone you clip, +2 points for every motorist you cut off when merging, +3 points for every rude hand gesture you receive from the city workers you barely avoid hitting, and +4 points for every additional officer summoned by the aforementioned cop to apprehend your vehicle.
4. Speed Limits Are Relative
It is not important that you observe the posted speed limit, as long as you observe the speed limit posted by the guy in front you. Yes, that kid barreling down the left hand lane at 90 mph in his Acura RSX is an idiot, but he’s also the guiding light to your wayward ocean liner. As long as you’re travelling slower than Speedy Gonzalez is, when he and you finally blow by that police cruiser, that cop is only going to have the man power to pull over one of you and you can bet he isn’t interested in some stoner driving a beat-up Saab, he’s going for the big game.
5. Behave As Though Out-of-State Tags Grant You Diplomatic Immunity
You’re from Ohio, venturing onto the New Jersey turnpike for the first time. You’re not sure what exit to take, so you steadily drive 20 mph under the speed limit lest you miss your turn-off. Or perhaps you’re from Georgia, and during your road trip to the shore, you feel it necessary to bestow a little bit of Southern Hospitality on every driver you meet. So in addition to driving at roughly the same speed as the tourist from Ohio, you also make frequent, sudden stops to yield to other motorists - even when you have the right of way.

Although drivers in both cases would be strictly prohibited from operating heavy machinery in their respective home states, their behavior is perfectly acceptable when travelling outside of their state lines. After all, it doesn’t matter how they do it up/down/over here, you’re from Ohio/Georgia/Florida, dammit, and you are the greatest thing on four wheels since Bobby Labonte.
6. There Is No Predetermined “Passing Lane”
A commonly held myth amongst most motorists is that passing is only permitted/acceptable in the left hand lane. This is simply not true. A “passing lane” is any unobstructed pathway (including grassy medians) through which you can safely navigate your vehicle around slow-moving motorists while only sustaining minor surface damage.
7. Do Not Talk On Your Cell Phone While Driving. Text Instead.
When other drivers see you yakking on your cell phone, they’ll become immediately enraged by your obvious disregard for traffic safety, but they’ll be absolutely livid if they catch you texting while driving. Texting is especially recommend over calling if your phone happens to be equipped with a full QWERTY keyboard, since not only will your attention be completely diverted from the road in front of you, but you’ll also be using your knees to navigate the steering wheel as both hands will be fully occupied texting your bro about the hottie in the Ford Focus next to you.

8. Always Use Halogen Headlights

Halogen bulbs emit a blinding blue light that drivers both in front of and behind you will enjoy immeasurably. If you can’t quite afford a HID upgrade for your car, opt for using your high-beams at all times, especially at night in heavily congested traffic. If you drive a pickup truck or SUV, it is strongly recommend that you accompany the use of Halogens and/or high-beams with very close tailgating. Remember: you aren’t truly a jackass unless your headlights cause permanent retina damage.
9. Speed Through Parking Lots
One secret every driving jerkoff knows is that you can make your best time by laying rubber in the parking lot. Depending on how densely populated the lot is, you should always aim to maintain an average speed of anywhere from 45-65 mph, possibly higher in the event of inclement weather. Not only will this endanger the safety and well being of any pedestrians, if you’re running late for an appointment, you can also shave minutes off your ETT by cutting diagonally across all the empty stalls and ignoring any stop signs.
10. Drive Like A Woman
A good general rule of thumb to follow that encompasses all the basic elements of horrible driving discussed here today is this: before you make any major decision while driving, first ask yourself, “What would a woman do?” If you’re travelling on a four lane highway in the leftmost lane, don’t merge ahead of time into the right-hand lane to avoid a last minute four-lane death race. Instead, maintain a steady 75mph in your current lane and begin to apply a heavy coat of mascara. Then, about 100 yards before your exit, immediately jerk your wheel as hard as you can to the right, smiling sheepishly and giggling girlishly at all the angered motorists behind you.

Or, if you find yourself in the right-hand lane behind a motorist who happens to be travelling too slow for your taste, before you make the logical decision to pass them, try to picture what a woman would do in your situation. Would she pass on the left? No, she wouldn’t. She would tailgate the innocent driver angrily, straining as hard as she could to see over the steering wheel, glaring purposefully at the “total jerk” in front of her. After maintaining about 6 inches of clearance between her and the car in front her for about 10 miles or so, then, and only then, will she pass the driver on the left, making sure to give him the stink eye as she does so.
Remember: most women are born lacking the inherent ability to drive well, so if your ultimate goal is to piss off as many people on the roadway as you can, it would behoove you to duplicate female driving techniques to the best of your ability.

Written by Suzanne Denbow

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