Monday, July 26, 2010

Some Funnies

A woman was complaining to the neighbor that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.

"Take my advice," said the neighbor, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out: "Is that you, Jim?" And that cured him.

"Cured him ," asked the woman, "but how?"
The neighbor said, "You see, his name is Bill."

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook.

She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work .. You have three wishes." "I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy... "I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie." "What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!" The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink." ***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish." "My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams." ***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. "OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says...

"I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me." ***POOF***

He turned into a tampon. The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

Businesses are only as good as the people they hire. We've all come across people in stores, on the phone or in offices and wondered to ourselves "How did they get hired?" Well, sometimes there's not a lot out there to choose from. A questionnaire was sent out to Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations asking them to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees. Here are some of their responses:

* A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.
* Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.
* Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and French fries in the interviewers office.
* Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.
* Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.

Bad Accident
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. It's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man,that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt. "This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn't break! Sure God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." The she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle, and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

The Naked Refrigerator Guy
Three men approached the gate to heaven and as there was only one opening left, the gatekeeper said that whoever had the most remarkable and worthy death could enter.
He asked the first man how he died, and the man replied, 'Imagine this -- I suspected my wife was having an affair behind my back and I wanted to find out the truth. I came home from work one day to surprise her and catch her in the act. When I searched the house I found her in the bathroom. The mirror was fogged and she had a towel on but her hair wasn't wet, so I knew she wasn't taking a shower. I looked all around the house to find the guy.

I found ten fingers hanging onto the window sill outside. I pounded them until he finally let go. When he fell he landed in some bushes and God must have loved him because he lived, so I threw the refrigerator out the window to finish him off. After all the excitement I fell dead of a heart attack.' Then the gatekeeper asked the second man how he died.

He replied, 'Imagine this -- I'm minding my own business on top of my apartment building. I was riding one of those stationary bicycles when the screws gave out and I flew off the side. I reached out and caught a window sill, then some idiot started pounding on my fingertips. When I fell I landed in some bushes and God must have loved me because I lived. But then that same idiot threw his refrigerator out the window and it crushed me.' 'That, too, is horrible,' said the gate keeper.

Then he asked the third man the same question. His reply was, 'OK, imagine this, I'm naked in a refrigerator...'

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground, when he finally gets himself to the doctor. He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them.

She says, "You are my FIRST, no one has ever touched these breasts." He whips down his pants and says... " Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

We have all our clothes on. I lean back on the leather sofa across from him, casting my eyes around the nearly empty bar. Smiles.I slowly spread my her legs, just a little."What are you doing?" He asksSmile.I push my legs apart a little wider. I know he can see most of the way up my thighs. Not quite all the way.No one's noticed. Yet.

Smile. I know I’m being bad."More wine?" I say to him, pleasantly, pulling my skirt up again, knees together, and then I lean forward to pick up the bottle. "Please." He asks!"Good to see you again. It's been too long." As I smile and glance up from pouring the wine."You too."

He responds, “I take my glass. Full.”"So, what do we do now?" I smile. I guess he already knows the answer.

Two fishermen were adrift in their rented boat due to an engine failure. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth.

This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances. One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat!"

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