Wednesday, July 21, 2010


In a bit of unintelligent design, most sexual positions offer little clitoral stimulation, which women need to reach orgasm. Sex toys, then, are accoutrements you can both get excited about. She may well be using a vibrator already when you're not around, so the main hurdle is finding the stones to bring it up with her. "Men worry that they'll be replaced, or that she'll become addicted and he'll never be able to compete," says Johanson, who, by the way, is a 70-something registered nurse.

AT FIRST: Start with bath and massage oils, suggests Mone. A scientist named Tricia, 28, who admits to being uncomfortable with nontraditional sex, says, "Even I'd be up for playing around with lubricants and body butter." Then it's your move: Package some oils, a toy, maybe some lingerie, and give it to her to peruse on her own time. (Good Vibrations has a Friday Nite Delight kit with a bath ball, orange-mango body oil, massage lotion, raspberry-chocolate-truffle body butter, and a Magic Touch minibullet vibrator; $35, Tell her to bring her new toys along whenever she's ready.

LATER: The elusive simultaneous orgasm is more likely with the right accessories. "If a woman uses a vibrator that sits on her clitoris, she can climax while he's inside her," says Royalle. She recommends the Natural Contours Superbe ($25,, which, though designed for mind-blowing sex, looks as sweet and innocent as they come (ahem). When we took a group of nonkinky girls to Good Vibrations, they were drawn to the smaller "ticklers." "They didn't intimidate me as much as the dildo-y–looking stuff," says Carley. And for men? They can work on you, too: "Once they get used to the idea, guys love vibrators," says Johanson. "If she takes it and rubs it up the shaft of his penis very gently -- around the shaft, over and around the head and testicles -- that's very stimulating." Lube helps.
HER STORY: "My guy is really great in bed, but I just couldn't come through sex alone. I really wanted us to experience orgasm simultaneously. When my boyfriend surprised me with a vibrator that looked more like a lipstick, we finally experienced what we were looking for, and it was everything I thought it would be."
-- Melissa 31, accountant

We're talking all types: flashing, sex in a public place, sex in a private place with open drapes, wearing a skirt but no underwear. (Um, meaning her. Generally.) "The thrill of being viewed has a lot to do with getting attention," says Queen. "For women, it's a sort of centering experience that makes them realize they have attractiveness and erotic energy, even if they don't look like Lindsay Lohan."

AT FIRST: Go commando when you leave the house, with her in a skirt or dress. Throughout the evening, give each other a few quick, private shows. Use any opportunity -- helping her with a pool shot, pressing up against each other as a concert lets out -- to get all up in her business for a moment. "After a quickie, we were late meeting friends for drinks, and in the rush to get dressed, I decided to forgo my underwear," says Karen, a 25-year-old writer. "I'd be talking to my friends or ordering a drink, and he'd reach his hand up my skirt. It wouldn't have happened if the bar hadn't been dark and we hadn't been drunk, but I'm so glad it did."
LATER: Sex outdoors. "The fear of getting caught really wakes you up and focuses you on the sexual experience," says Queen. "It also harks back to the thrill of sexual experiences as teenagers, when we had so little privacy." Be strategic, and keep an eye out for Johnny Law.

HER STORY: "It was the hottest thing ever. This guy asked me to join him for a bottle of wine on the roof of his apartment building. One thing led to another, and before long, we were doing it standing up, my legs wrapped around him. I'm a shy person, but it ended up bringing something out in me. I'm the epitome of a law-abiding citizen. I think that made the vague threat of being caught all the more thrilling." -- Rachel, 29, speech pathologist

So you wanna get kinky, eh? A survey on, asking the ladies if they'd be game for putting a little variety into their sex lives. Here's what they told Cosmo...

Would she ever be up for...
Light bondage (having her hands restrained, being blindfolded, and/or being spanked)

Yes: 68% If handcuffs are too awkward, use a pair of her pantyhose...
No: 7%

Exhibitionism (sex or being exposed in public)
Yes: 11%
No: 29%

Videotaping sex
Yes: 29%
No: 33% She doesn't want to end up on

Sex toys during sex
Yes: 50% Something new to play with!
No: 13% There's only one toy she needs. And you're already wearing it.

Yes: 41%
No: 17%

Which of the following have you ever tried?
57% - Light Bondage
30% - Exhibitionism
15% - Videotaping
33% - Sex Toys
23% - Role Playing
31% - None of the Above

How did the situation come about?
21% It started as a joke, but later it intensified.
17% He just initiated during sex without talking about it.
16% She initiated a conversation prior to having sex.

How would you have liked it to come about?
27% He just initiated during sex without talking about it.
24% He initiated a conversation prior to having sex.
2% We were drunk and I'm not really sure how it happened.

What did you think about your experience?
67% It was erotic and something we continue to do.
21% It's something best saved for special occasions.
7% It was fun as a onetime thing.
3% It was just a goof.
2% It was awkward and unpleasant.

"A woman has a more erotic mind than a man," says sexologist Robert Birch, Ph.D. "A man is more likely to say, ‘Yeah, I want to have sex, let's get into it.' A woman is more likely to say, ‘Yeah, I want to talk dirty.' Women are more into the theater, the romance, and the drama surrounding sex, rather than just the act."

Of women who've had kinky sex: Do you believe non-traditional sex can help your sex life?
Yes: 93%
No: 7%
Just be warned: "This type of stuff should be recreational. If it starts to get to the point where you can't have sex unless you break out the handcuffs, women can start to feel objectified," says Mark Elliot, Ph.D., director of the Sexuality and Psychology Institute at the Institute for Psychological and Sexual Health, in Columbus, Ohio.

Of women who've had kinky sex: Do you believe non- traditional sex can help your relationship?
Yes: 85%
No: 15%
"It's fun, it's exciting, it's novel," says Carol Queen, Ph.D., staff sexologist for sex-toy purveyor Good Vibrations. It also forces you to talk more about what you like and what you don't -- a skill many couples have yet to master.

Of women who've never had kinky sex: Do you believe non-traditional sex can help your sex life?
Yes: 89%
No: 11%

Of women who've never had kinky sex: Do you believe non-traditional sex can help your relationship?

Yes: 76%
No: 24%

Are you interested in trying any of these: Light bondage, exhibitionism, videotaping, sex toys, or role-playing?

Yes: 89% Keep her on her toes...or in any position for that matter...
No: 11% Not her bag of tricks.

What would you think if your boyfriend or husband suggested trying any of these?
70% I'd be game to try it.
22% I'd be excited.
6% I wouldn't mind his asking, but I'd turn him down.
1% I'd be disgusted.
1% I'd think something was wrong with our sex life.

What's the best way for him to bring it up?
40% of women who haven't yet tried kinky sex say you should bring it up in casual conversation.
30% say you should just go for it during sex, no words necessary.
17% say after a few drinks.
9% say as a joke.
Go with the plurality on this. "Both you and your partner need to understand that the fantasy may be more exciting than the reality," says Birch. "It's important to discuss it beforehand so there are no unpleasant surprises."

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