So you want her to be a Hilton? Don't get your hopes up. Only 15 percent of the women in our survey had videotaped their bedroom antics, presumably because of what happened to Paris and other Web victims. That said, "to see what we look like in the heat of passion fulfills our deepest curiosity about something primal in our lives," says Candida Royalle, author of How to Tell a Naked Man What to Do. You can try her line. No guarantee it'll work.
If she's skittish but cooperative, hand her the tape as soon as you're finished, or destroy it once you've had your fun with it. If it's a keeper, lock it in a separate location, far from the VHS copies of Everybody Loves Raymond.
AT FIRST: "Try forgoing the tape," says Royalle. She and her boyfriend did that after she retired from making porn. "We would hook the camera up directly to the TV," she says, "bypassing any videotape [or evidence], and be able to look over at ourselves in the heat of passion." Consider a safer still camera (digital or Polaroid), which is less intimidating to beginners.
LATER: Sex is a beautiful thing to experience, but it can be tough to watch. "Never use overhead lighting," says Royalle. "It creates shadows, and besides, overhead lights are just plain ugly." Robert Birch, Ph.D., a clinical sexologist, reminds us that while men are visually stimulated, "women are more aural. As long as there are lots and lots of sounds, a woman can find the enjoyment."
HER STORY: "My husband and I bought a digital camera for our trip to South America. He was playing around with it in the hotel one night, and I did a silly, sexy dance with my towel as I was getting out of the shower. When we watched it, I was pleasantly surprised: It was so beautiful and, frankly, kind of hot. That inspired us to set up the camera on the nightstand while we had sex. It looked great -- the camera was far enough away to avoid any gross porno shots -- and it was incredibly sexy to watch. I was bummed when we had to erase it for more space to record the Incan temples."
-- Susan, 27, engineer
I'm not going to pretend that a self-respecting man could make it through this experiment without feeling like a complete fool. It requires a herculean suspension of disbelief -- but so does watching Weird Science, and that doesn't make the experience any less enjoyable.
Many popular roles (boss/secretary, teacher/student, stripper/customer) play on the theme of "Someone is in control, and the other is at his or her mercy." "These are strong dynamics, even in healthy and fun sexual relationships," says Jean Mone, a New York City sex therapist. "They allow the woman and the man to enact their fantasies in a way that won't leave them feeling vulnerable."
AT FIRST: This doesn't have to extend outside the bedroom. "My boyfriend bought me lacy lingerie that's unlike anything I've ever worn," says Brittany, 27, a teacher. "It's not my style at all, but when I wear it, I feel like a different person in bed -- sexy, crazy, empowered."
For a public thrill, go to a bar where neither of you will be recognized. Arrive 20 minutes apart and try to pick her up, pretending you've never laid eyes on each other. If you can come up with a story line, go for it. Otherwise, have a name, occupation, and background in mind -- and make it fun. Always wanted to blatantly hit on a hot stranger? Now you can. "There's something exciting about going public with our sexuality," Birch says.
LATER: Tweak the bar trick. Wear clothes she hasn't seen before and a different cologne, because the sense of smell is tied closely to memory. You want her to forget who you are. And if you're used to the Four Seasons, try a Red Roof Inn.
Aim for euphoria, not hysteria. "It's okay to laugh, but it's also a good idea to feel like you're in a sexy mode," says Queen. "If the idea of putting on the pirate hat makes you giggle, bring the role play a little closer to home." If you're in sales, play a traveling salesman to her lonely stay-at-home wife. You're not going for an Emmy here -- just great sex.
HER STORY: "We did it as a goof, giggling when we first met at the bar. But after we realized how much the scenario was making the dynamic between us different, we quickly set the scene for some of the most memorable sex either of us has ever had. I always wanted to be a wanton slut but met my soul mate when I was young. The role play allowed me to show a different side of myself that both of us enjoyed. We summon my inner hussy on a monthly basis now!"
-- Julia, 24, graduate student