Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Give Me a Hand ...

Earlier this year GQ wrote somewhere that "a happy ending is considered outright cheating only if the guy plans on it." quoting some expert saying "it could just end up happening...If she starts on you, you're going to need a hell of a lot of willpower to turn that away.'" Well, someone over at Cosmo read that, and consider this war! In next month's issue the magazine reprints this sage wisdom under the heading "FYI: DUMB ADVICE HE'S GETTING." So, like, THERE.

I wasn't sure whose side to take on this, since hand jobs are fairly impersonal, and men who get regular massages from seedy parlors by the Chinatown bus are...not my type really, until I put myself in the flat cloth slippers of the masseuse. And immediately thought: "Jesus Christ, when's the last time I even gave a hand job?"

I asked a close friend. "To completion?" she wanted to know. That's what everyone wanted to know. This particular individual did not remember finishing a hand job since a Sonic Youth set during Lollapolooza 1994, or even starting one in any serious way in the past five years. Another friend, a blogger, answered "early college" and another blogger-friend said "two years ago, in a car. Or maybe four years ago. Yeah, more like four." A guy friend dated his last completion hand job to 2003 -- an experience during which the semen actually landed in his mouth! -- and another girl blogger friend said, "Oh god, I am SO BAD at this."

The glaring exception was a Jezebel who gives them all the time and doesn't think it's cheating because it's so "clinical." Which, I guess, is why they are most likely to be given in "clinics"?
Nikkij gives lots of hand jobs! Nothing clinical about mine!

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